I’m 12 years old and go to play with my Space Marines at Games Workshop. One of the guys there is excited to show me the work he did on his Dark Eldar Wych to remove the bra. Her boobs are hanging out on full display to every other kid gaming. No one says anything to him.

I’m 18 years old at Games Day. John Blanche has a stall with models inspired by his artwork. I want to buy Legends of the Old West but there are so many miniatures of objectified women in bondage gear I can’t face approaching that section. No one says anything.

I’m 22 years old and playing WHFRP. We are asked to investigate the disappearance of local women. We find the Fimir and their entire culture based on sexual assault. No one says anything.

I’m 25 years old and going to a games convention. Someone hands me a free rulebook for a wargame. It has lots of highly sexualised artwork of women with few clothes draped over armoured men. The bins are full of these on the way out. No one says anything.

I’m 34 years old. Warlord releases Shield Wall and decides the best way to incentivise purchase is a model of a viking taking a saxon woman away to sexually assault her. People speak up and the model is removed from circulation. Many men in the hobby object loudly.

I’m 40 years old and someone posts a miniature of a naked lady to a public forum. It’s a centrepiece for his army. Apparently it’s my problem if I consider it pornographic, even though I would be arrested if I dressed the same way in public. I am temporarily banned for calling him a skeevy creep. I will not sit back and let nothing be said.

Let me begin by addressing the two biggest strawman arguments. 1. I don’t object to people owning models of sexy ladies. I don’t object to people enjoying pornography. I do object to people sharing these publicly without seeking the consent of the viewer. 2. If you know a woman who disagrees with me on this subject that doesn’t invalidate either her or my viewpoint. Congratulations, you have successfully established that women are individual people with their own thoughts, feelings and experiences.

With that in mind let me say this loud and clear, I’ve said it loudly and clearly before but I find myself needing to say it again. Heck, plenty of people have said it loudly and clearly before me and plenty will say it afterwards. Still the message hasn’t sunk in with enough people to see the issue resolved. Here we go…

WARGAMERS HAVE A SEXISM PROBLEM

Specifically I’d like to talk about how women are represented in the hobby. I would talk about how trans people and intersex people are represented but I’m struggling to think of any examples right now. I’m not going to talk about how non-white people and cultures are represented in this article because that’s a topic that deserves a separate discussion with input from non-white writers. I’m also going to refrain from calling out any lone trader miniature companies as larger and more profitable ventures should be shouldering the costs of driving change.

With that said, let me take you back to the year 2000 when Games Workshop released Asdrubael Vect in their Dark Eldar/Drukhari line. He looks awesome, has a suitably terrifying background and sits on a throne. Unfortunately Games Workshop decided to give him two slaves as accessories. Two women, in sexy slave Leia costumes. It would have been trivial to make one a man or leave them off entirely, it didn’t even make sense given how Eldar view humans. The worst part of this is knowing these models were still available to purchase separately from the main model until recent years through the GW webstore. 

That was 24 years ago! Why do I bring it up now? As of writing this GW have finally included women in the Adepta Custodes to much objection by ‘fans’ yet Space Marines remain a ‘no girls’ club. Men aren’t being explicitly shown women are an accessory to display one’s power anymore, they aren’t being shown women have an equal place in the flagship product line.

So we fast forward in time to; 2016? Wyrd Miniatures has produced ‘Through the Breach’ a Malifaux Roleplaying game. It’s a fascinating setting but the whole range tends towards one body shape when it comes to women and an obsession with crop tops. The kickstarter promised a ‘Multipart Female Miniature’ set which would be excellent for customising Malifaux models. Except then you look at the sketches. Every man on the male multipart is a grizzled cowboy type (awesome) yet every woman is… thin… busty… bare armed… There's nothing new here. Nothing to suggest women come in anything other than size 10. 

It’s the style they go for, why do I bring it up? In all the Malifaux range we get an array of men, their bodies and presentation can be varied and valid. Men are shown they can look however they want, women aren’t offered the same freedom. We can be thin with figure hugging clothing/big dresses or we don’t exist.

Let me draw your attention to Fireforge Games who make excellent quality plastic miniatures. I adore their Frostgrave plastic ranges and the Oathmark stuff is sublime. Just… where are the women? When your fantasy model range includes Elves, Dwarves, Goblins and Undead… why are women on the battlefield so hard to conceive of? I don’t understand why a gender half the world’s population identifies with is absent. Wait a minute, here we are, they do a team of Amazon’s for legally distinct fantasy football gaming.

Have the sculptors even seen boobs before? Have they seen a sports bra? Not only are men being shown they are the only ones worthy of taking the battlefield, women are shown their bodies should fit a single acceptable standard. Edit: I originally said caricature but on reflection that isn't entirely accurate as bodies come in many shapes and some folks may well match the models.

This is why I get frustrated at the sexist jokes, the references to sexual assault, the portrayal of women as purely sexual and the nude models being shared openly. We don’t exist in a world where the representation of women on the gaming table is given the same respect and consideration as men. We don’t live in a world where popular manufacturers allow me to represent my own body on the gaming table. We don’t even live in a world where the majority of men in the hobby recognise this might be an issue. Even now, we don’t live in a world where men will universally accept my frustration and demand better from manufacturers.

I’m angry and I’m exhausted.

Clash of Kings 2022

Mantic gets its CoK out

I swear I have that joke out my system now. 

In layman's terms the annual update to Kings of War has been released in book format. It's not essential for the game to work. It is the culmination of countless hours of playtesting, discussion and analysis to produce updates. These updates improve the play experience and revitalise tournament play to prevent stagnation. More importantly it introduces the rules for the Halflings and Riftforged Orcs: new armies and model ranges released this year.

First Impressions

This is a very comfortable book to hold and light enough I can carry it one handed. Don't trust a rulebook you can't read whilst making a cup of tea. The cover art is really cool and the overall layout is pleasing. You get the impression whoever did the layouts and editing would excel at making in universe publications. A Mantic bestiary in their hands would look stunning.

Throughout the book there are beautiful illustrations that evoke the feel and theme of their respective armies. The Halflings use greens and browns for their full colour pieces and like to bring the Shire itself into focus as a character. In contrast the Riftforged Orcs use much colder colours to create busy, claustrophobic scenes of battle and raging storms. Essentially Halflings are Realism and the Riftforged are Romanticism. I fully expect the Orc Legions to sing Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights on the march.

The good stuff...

Here we open with the history of Halflings. Going from somewhere between Roma/Traveller and First Nations inspiration, pulling in some Home Counties feeling, a nod towards Irish Republicans then ending up decidedly Tolkien. I may well be missing a beat on those so don't take that as definitive.

Expanding on the origin story we get a look at Shire life and recent Brexi... Err exit from Europ... The League of Rhordia. I don't believe it's intended as a Brexit narrative given the Halflings had a justifiable reason to cut ties. Then again there is a trend for splitting/isolating narratives in UK games design at the moment so, y'know. The Shire is a pretty lovely place of agriculture and family values. It's also a terrifying place of agriculture and family values. You're as likely to be invited in for dinner as a wandering stranger as you are to be chased out the village at gunpoint. Stay well clear of any family disputes.

This theme of hidden malice premeates the Halfling background. It's great. I had wondered what the story behind the Greedyguts model was. Turns out the Sauceror's have been doing twisted and (ultimately) evil experiments on some unfortunate Halflings. The result being ravenous monsters ready to devour all living things in their path. They are kept in cages and everything. 

The only let down in the Halfling background is a paragraph or two on gender. For some reason they had to add nonsense about women losing political influence over time and there being fewer women serving in the regular militia musters. It adds nothing and detracts from the otherwise excellent story.

Riftforged Orcs

Technically this is under the good stuff heading but deserved its own title. 

These new Orcs were made by some overly angry loser in hell called Oscar or Gerkin? I forget which. Then they spent a decade fighting everything in hell before being unleashed into reality. It's kinda interesting but without much depth or emotional resonance. If Orcs and being brutal on the battlefield are your thing then this may be exciting. Honestly I got kind of bored after a page or two.

Fortunately the new Legions of Super Orcs weren't deployed with a consistent plan of attack. More left to their own devices as they rampage across the lands. There's nothing like piecemeal invasions to ensure your elite fighting force is doomed to ultimate failure.

I don't want to get too negative here. As an antagonist the Riftforged Orcs are great. Scary, merciless, uncompromising. All you need in a threat to civilisation. They'll also be a great addition to the existing Orc range on the battlefield. As far as their story goes I struggle to find investment in a faction lacking hearth and home. A bit more focus on inter-legion rivalries and culture shock as these manufactured warriors meet the wider world would add a lot to an otherwise emotionally bland faction.

Most importantly there will soon be Orcs on magical sky kitties available so keep your eyes out.

The rest...

There are also some rules updates for the game and all the armies. Which is nice.

Basilea or Bust

In the beginning...

The world in which Kings of War is set had some historical thing between magic beings. As with any ancient, powerful progenitor stories; they screwed up badly. Blah blah blah. Fast forward and the Basilean folks are miserable and under attack. Then some of the surviving magic beings come along all shiny so the Basileans invent religion to ensure everyone else is miserable too.

To survive this intense bullshit a group of women retreated to remote monastic buildings. Here they went hunting, wrestled bears, tamed panthers, hit stuff with massive flails and generally enjoyed their ideal sapphic community. Every so often they'd fight alongside the Basilean armies to appease the patriarchy and all. 

That might not be entirely accurate but, y'know.

A badass army...

I know what you are thinking. I mean I know what I'm thinking and as you are reading my thoughts become your thoughts. It's the Vulcan literature meld. Trust me on this.

We both think a Sisterhood army would be the absolute best thing ever. They can have chariots pulled by cats like Norse Goddesses. They ride Panthers. Their infantry units are buff ladies with excellent hair. They even have Gondorian Ranger types to really overplay the idea of a fast, lightly armoured force.

So how is it going?

Not great dear reader. Not great. As early Mantic kits where lessons were still being learned the models leave a lot to be desired. There were huge gaps, the saddles and riders didn't align, the shoulder joints were tiny/didn't key well and the body proportions are all over the place. Assembly was a miserable experience and whilst I could handle a unit... The thought of an entire army requiring extensive remodeling was too much. 

The plan then...

Alright. I don't want to throw loads of money at a third party to play one of Mantic's own factions. I do love the idea of said faction. With this in mind I'll set some parameters.

1) Utilise my bits box as much as possible.

2) Keep to the Sapphic theme of the faction.

3) Chariots!

4) Don't get too distracted from my Halflings.

5) All lists must have five items.

Let's do this!

Creating a Space Marine Chapter...

I have long imagined myself creating my own chapter of Space Marines. Imagined but never actually achieved. Games Workshop have done a fabulous job of developing a wide range of interesting chapters with evocative lore and cool colour schemes. Whatever background and style I previously came up with always fell short of existing standards. If it ain't broken y'know.

Things changed when a friend sent me a load of Primaris marines as part of a trade. Should I add them to my Celestial Lions? Honestly they had enough units already. This was the push I needed to take the plunge and fulfill an old dream.

Where to begin?

First things first. What did I find cool? 

• Greek Mythology
• Particularly Athena and Artemis
• Spears
• Sculpting fur on models
• Badass ladies
• Hunting/Outdoors survival
• I don't hunt living creatures but the skills are fun to practice
• Non-codex chapters
• Secret rites and rituals
• Cawl creating traitor successor chapters on the sly
• Impressive hats

Working through the list a basic outline of the chapter took shape. They would be secretive/hiding something and any who set eyes upon it would be hunted down like the legend of Artemis and Actaeon. Their selection process would involve ancient forest that aspirants must hunt and survive on their journey. Veterans would devote themselves to strategy and be valued for their wisdom as much as martial prowess. The core tactical unit would be  Assault Intercessors with chainaxes to evoke the survivalist aspect. Their fortress monastery would be on the moon of the planet they recruit from. They would be White Scars successors... honest guv'nr.

A name and badge

It was tempting to be 'Lunar something' and drop heavy hints as to their true genetic heritage. I fought the temptation to go full on Ancient Greece with a faux Greek/pig latin mash up to make linguists cry. As I wanted white armour (a decision I will likely regret) it made sense to consider azure/silver/white/pale as possible elements to the name.

Stumbling on a simple symbol that could be printed on custom shoulder pads moved things forward. Featuring a pair of antlers I needed to highlight that the chapter was actually largely made of women. 'Huntresses' was tempting but felt like dedicating to a style of combat that suggested snipers and infiltrators rather than heroic Greek warriors. 

After seeking some input from other folks the final decision was made. The 'Silver Hinds' were born.

Realising the dream

Time to get the model clippers out. Raiding the bitz box I found a couple of Owls from the Sylvaneth kits which would nod to Athena. A hunting horn from the old Brettonian Archers symbolising Artemis. Spears could be made from plasticard. I held back on making hoplite style shields because I wanted to retain the standard template of Imperial equipment, they aren't a chapter famed for artifice or overly generous supplies. High Elf spares provided crescents for the Blade Guard back packs. At this point I began work of the veteran units known for their wisdom and strategic thinking...

With a solid look on the leadership it was time for troops. Much less ornamented as a whole I needed a clear battlefield denotation of the sergeants. A look in the Lumineth spares gave the answer. Sergeants of the Silver Hinds would sport impressive plumes as a symbol of their prowess. I had also spotted Thunder Hammers in the codex entry so they were a must. Chainaxes would be used instead of chainswords in the rest of the squad...

It's worth taking a moment to say these models are still works in progress and will see additions or changes as the project moves forward.

Non-codex nomenclature

Stepping away from the Codex Astartes offers opportunity for fun and personalisation. The only reason to have a set of rigid, in universe rules is to watch everyone breaking them. Hinting at their secret origins and rituals the Chapter would be split into Hunting Lodges rather than Companies. Leadership of a Hunting Lodge is in the hands of a Lodge Mistress (equivalent to Lieutenant), Captains would instead be Stratagoi who form a council assigning Lodges to a particular Stratagos as required. Lodge Priestesses would see to the rites and rituals of the Chapter as a Chaplain would. A Stratagos is accompanied by one or more of her personal Companions serving as Blade Guard Veterans. These companions providing counsel and camaraderie in the style of the Mournival. As for Chapter Master? They don't do that kind of thing here, that's what the council of Stratagoi is for.

In summary...

• Captain - Stratagos
• Lieutenant  - Lodge Mistress
• Chaplain - Lodge Priestess
• Blade Guard Veterans - Sacred Band
• Squad Sergeant - Huntress
• Ancient - N/A as they don't strike me as very flag based 
• Apothecary - ??
• Librarian - ??

What next?

I have a lot of modelling work to finish on the existing models. Then I need to assemble a unit of bikes in a style that fits the Chapter. Finalise a colour scheme based on pre-Heresy Luna Wolves. All the while refining the chapter lore into something more solid and presentable. Keep and eye out for more folx.

So about those Lumineth...

I am seriously overdue on my Lumineth analysis. I blame a year of agonising wrist pain (now thankfully cured) and youngest child transforming from baby to rampaging toddler. Honestly it's like living with a Gobbo wired on mushroom brew. Sorry, what was I talking about?

My precious, precious High Elves return

High Elves were my first Warhammer Fantasy Battle Army. I loved them to bits, their models were beautiful, their lore intriguing and they were reasonably straight forward to play. Naturally I lost every game I ever played with them to the point it was a running joke. In a fit of frustration I sold my lovingly painted Elves and purchased an Empire army. The losing streak ended with the flash of powder and roar of guns.

I vowed to one day return to my first love, the High Elves. Then they blew up the Old World. Age of Sigmar was alright and all but it just lacked that certain... High Elfness. Then the Lumineth arrived. It was love at first sight.

I love this style and colour scheme.

Such beautiful models

Look at them. I mean seriously. LOOK AT THEM! The flowing robes, the delicate curves of their armour, the elegant weaponry, the hats that stretch for miles. I can't even truly articulate the beauty of Lumineth hats. Plumes that could put a burlesque performance to shame rise to the very skies. Cows, actual heads of figurative cows adorning tapered cones of phallic symbology. A fukken cow-giant-mountain-spirit-realm with hammers the size of a very big thing. That lady with the sadness magic and bowl of incense.

That was just my first reaction. Games Workshop were holding out on us and have now shown Kangaroo cavalry, flying Fox spirits, a mage riding a cloud to battle like Dragonball Z just jumped into the mortal realms. I haven't even mentioned the well groomed guy holding a sword whilst his Sister leaps over him in her sweet 80's jumpsuit.

There was also a new Teclis model in there at some point. That guy can eat a whole bag of dicks.

Archer-Fox-Spirit-Flying-Awesomeness

Alrighty, the Codex then?

At first read the Lumineth Codex was a fascinating insight into the Realm of Light and the Elves that had long been missing from AoS. I mean sure we had the Straw Feminist cult of Morathi and the Little Mermaid Elves. Both those factions were full of beautiful models, intriguing lore and loads of reasons to hate Teclis for his bullshit.

As the pages turned we got the same information rewritten slightly. Ultimately the Lumineth codex was too little butter spread across too much bread. You can only read so many pages talking about how Teclis felt bad. How he liked to go off being the martyr to find a magical fix instead of actually buckling down and showing some emotional maturity for once. I mean, the writers didn't actually think he looks the hero do they? First he screws up so badly his children hide under the sea to escape his bullshit. Then he tries again and encourages everyone to treat the realm of Light like a kind of horrific Silicone Valley tech bro paradise, with all the irresponsibility and zero self awareness that entails. It's such an Elon Musk type approach to look at the fall out and decide it's easier to go to the moon than put in any real work.

There are gems in the rough though. Actually the whole thing is an absolute gem if you pretend Teclis doesn't exist. High Elves who are classically arrogant yet meet their comeuppance and reconcile with the realm through genuine contrition. I cannot begin to express how refreshing that is as a concept. Naturally that seems to be entirely forgotten once they step outside the Realm of Light because there are some things GW just can't let go of. I don't want to nay say a lot of hard work folk have put in but seriously, either the Elves learn from their mistakes or they are arrogant fools. It's downright lazy to offer something new yet remain tied to the old tropes

Iliatha, always Iliatha.

The Great Nations

There are eight great nations in the Realm of Light. Much like there were kingdoms of Ulthuan but with less of a focus on specialised units and more of a focus on cultural difference. Four nations are blank slates to be filled in when Tyrion shows up. One nation does magic, one nation is all about being one with the Mountain spirits, one nation is something like crafting or whatever and the best nation is Iliatha. 

Iliatha is a Matriarchy which means there was no actual effort to explore what that actually means but that's what it is. Presumably the other nations are meritocracies? Whatever, GW did the minimal effort girl power thing here. Iliatha have a history of cloning and motherhood which means a moment of thought throws up all sorts of beautiful stuff like detaching biology from parenthood, epic level polyamory and the kind of family reunions that involve hiring out an entire hotel.

Honestly I don't even have anything to say about any great nation that isn't Iliatha.

This is so awesome I cannot even.

You're a wizard...

Playing Lumineth is both beautifully straight forward and hideously complex. Everyone is a Wizard. The Spears stand and murder anything that gets into combat with them using mortal wounds, the Bows shoot anything that gets into line of sight or hides because the Lumineth have discovered gravity, the Horses charge stuff and in classic High Elf style get one turn of dangerous sword play before being torn to shreds. Everyone is a Wizard. If you want to hold an objective you sit cow-hammer Elves on it. Everyone is a Wizard. If you want to sink a huge amount of points into a massive cow-mountain-spirit-giant-hammer time you take one of them. Everyone is a Wizard.The mages support their respective troop type and the Spirit of Altharion is a murder machine with like zero synergy. Did I mention everyone is a Wizard except Altharion?

Then you get to the magic phase and oh gosh it's token time and rolling and choosing what you need to cast. Magic is where you win or lose a battle as the Lumineth. Do you move your spears forward at breakneck pace to grab an objective, hoping like anything enough units make their casting roll to offer mutual support? Do you tie up your opponents with sadness magic? Will your horses actually get a spell off at all or have you holding your head in your hands? Can you actually remember what all those tokens mean and when to apply their rules? 

If you want solid and reliable magic to really bring a Lumineth force together and excel; you take Teclis. With his ability to auto-cast spells of eye watering power at a rate that makes Nagash jealous, Teclis is a stunning powerhouse of magical joy. Unfortunately he is Teclis so fuck that guy.

What the newly revealed models mean for playing Lumineth we shall have to wait and see. I absolutely must have Flying Fox Spirit and Goku mage regardless. Also Everyone is a Wizard.

Good grief this book was dull.

In summary

The Lumineth are a showcase of beautiful and delicate models (how the heck do you transport 40 pikes safely?) that encompass the best of the Old World High Elves alongside the larger than life aesthetics of the Mortal Realms. Their hats bring joy to the world with their opulent plumes or cows. They tick all my boxes.

The lore is tantalising yet disordered and with both intentional and lazy gaps that I look forward to seeing filled out. With a bit of love and a lot of time the Lumineth background will inspire narratives and offer a refreshingly new personality to the noble Elf trope. With a continued focus on Teclis and a tendency to fall back on old ideas the Lumineth will be a disjointed mish-mash of conflicting ideals. I want the former but suspect the latter will be what we see moving forward. Already we see the facist/elf supremacist characters jumping up in fiction where callously murdering humans and looking down on them for having facial hair is somehow seen as interesting rather than overdone garbage. Did I say Iliatha is a Matriarchy? They won't do anything interesting with that in the writing department.

As for the rules. They are solid. Easy to learn, hard to master. Entirely fitting for an elite army of Elves. I can't offer any higher praise than that to be honest. A++.

I will continue to throw any money I can spare at every new Lumineth release from now until they blow up the Mortal Realms. They look gorgeous, have plenty of things for me to be angry about and play on the table in a way my mind can comprehend. Teclis needs his head kicked in.

Been a while

First it was Christmas, then poor health, then a global pandemic...

Yes, updates have been thin on the ground lately. There is every intention of improving this situation. Meanwhile see some of my workbench photos...

The big guns were required.

Srsly, not a Lictor, not infiltration here.

Zoooooom! Neeeeaaawwww! PEWPEWPEW!

Height is important.

Junith but more martial.

Praetorian Ogryns

These were a labour of love as part of my Praetorian army. The painted squad were based on an Ogryn kit wheras the rest were heavily modified Ogre models. Whilst these models are now with new owners as part of the wargames room becoming a toddler bedroom; I wanted to record them here.

The first squad

Bullgryns

Ogryn Commissar/Officer

Standard bearer and bodyguard

Some dudes